"To forget a friend is sad."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
I remember feeling as if I died in Janice's world. The pain was unspeakable, and I cried and cried. I used to wake up in tears then turn to bed in tears.
But today Reid walked by and asked me if Janice still does admissions for the same senior healthcare facility.
"I haven't spoken with her on friendly terms in a long time," I told him. And the as-a-matter-of-fact tone carried in my throat surprised me.
That very moment, I felt as if she was someone I knew from another lifetime. It was a complete separation, and I accepted our rift the same way I have accepted that some of my first grade friends I may never see again. No animosity, no sadness, just acceptance.
Suddenly, the coldness I thought could never befall her toward me has somehow befallen me toward her. If I could listen to how I felt at the moment, I would say my insides sounded like slow footsteps in an empty room.
During our college campus days, one distinct phrase Janice often said was, "Apathy is worse than hate."
And now I breathe deep then exhale long as I consider the height from which I have fallen. I was cold this morning as I spoke with Reid.
But as I type this, just right now, I am once again sad. I do not like sad, but for the moment, I choose it over apathy. I do not want to be someone I cannot recognize, at least not that someone inside my chest whom I felt and listened to this morning.
Janice, if you're out there, hang in there. I am deathly afraid to be your friend again but perhaps tonight I should say a prayer for you.
Posted by ruth at June 17, 2002 08:10 PM
No comments:
Post a Comment