How To Make Mochi

I had a dream in January of this year. Here it is:

I dreamed some ladies at a fancy party were giving condescending looks to my mom and me because of how we were handling our hors d'oeuvres.

I told my mom, "They don't know about our food."

I was holding a partially bitten mochi between my fingers when I walked to a silver tray, picked up a round appetizer I could not identify, then placed my mochi on top of it.

I raised my new creation to one of the rude women and asked, "Do you know what mochi is made of?"

"Well, yes, I do," she insisted. "Brown sugar and eggs."

I stepped toward her. With my feet planted on the kitchen floor, I looked her in the eye.

"No. Mochi is not made with brown sugar and eggs."

Her eyes widened, but she didn't say anything. She wanted me to leave, but I had to make my point: "Mochi ... is not made ... with brown sugar and eggs."

I woke up chuckling. I think I'm making progress.

Gay Children, Their Christian Parents and a Bit of Randomness

I have yet to present the framework by which I look at the the world - how it was, why it is and what's to become of it. When the framework is explained here, I'm sure it will sadden many Christians of whom I love so deeply.  At the same time, it might brighten the outlook for others who've lived a path similar to mine. This framework post is in the works, and I keep reading and rewriting, not for the sake of craft (I have an opinion on that, too), but for the sake of making the most impact on anyone who comes to this message, whether they agree or not.

In the meantime, I am posting a few tidbits of personal insight that I've come across today. It may be a bit random.

Gays and Their Christian Parents

Today, there were a couple discussions on Facebook about same-sex marriage, gay children and their Christian parents. Two people I love and respect are on opposite sides of the issue - one, my brother, a conservative pastor who sees himself as a protector of Christ's truth and the other, my progressive Christian theology student friend who still believes in God and the authority of Scripture, but does not see homosexuality as a sin.

Over the years, I've adopted a rather secular humanist  outlook (this is always evolving) on the world. I no longer see things through the authority of the Bible, but I feel at a visceral level the struggle on both sides. I used to be that person who would fiercely uphold the "love the sinner but hate the sin" message. It would keep me up at night, and for all the cries for tolerance that I heard, though loving as they might have sounded to me, I felt fiercely protective of what I believed to  be the Truth - yes, with a capital "T" - and ultimately this personal savior I loved. But since I have adopted a more naturalistic perspective and removed myself from the emotion that surrounds Biblical content, since I have been able to see the Bible as valuable for its place in humanity's history but not as a guide to govern modern issues, I can view these conversations from a perspective of third-party objectivity - and yet feel the tremendous gravity that both sides feel. I am fascinated that my heart is capable of feeling all these things at once.

So as I read the back-and-forth discussion, one commenter proclaiming that we cannot compromise God's truth, that it is more loving to tell your gay child that his gayness is not holy and the other (my theology friend) bringing up stories of gays being rejected by their parents and churches, my heart started to be filled with a sadness I hadn't felt in years. I recognized how deeply Christian parents love their gay children, loving the best they know how, anyway, and yet I, too, felt rejected personally at such a visceral level. I remember the sadness of "coming out" to my family, not about being gay (I am not), but about my non-belief in God or any god - how hurtful it was to look in their eyes and see how sad this made them, how they questioned whether there was something wrong with me (I was weak-minded) and ... so many other desperately sad exchanges of emotion.  In the face of crushing your own child's self-esteem because of a certain belief about God's holiness, many parents will uphold what they believe to be Truth rather than question the voracity of the actual belief. You can't help this - I know this, and I know this with a kind of sad desperation. So, after much of the back and forth, I contributed to the comments this way:

Christian parents may never quite understand how deeply hurtful the beliefs they hold in their heart may be to their gay children, no matter how tenderly they speak, even with the kindest intent. And for the child to come to a point of forgiveness for that hurt is a long path and arduous journey, one that is difficult even for an adult, and for a teen ... how much more difficult? It is only after such a journey the child can understand the irony in the words of Jesus, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Living in a World that Values Specialization and Productivity

Recently, I've posted a few Facebook status updates expressing my frustration with people not valuing (or really understanding) your subtleties, your aesthetic contributions to the world - well, not valuing them enough to want to pay for it. I have so much to say on this topic, but much of it has to do with living in a world that is structured for productivity and mass consumption. I am truly saddened when people in the creative community are accused of "not having substance." The less relevant you are to the productivity structure, the more stress you might encounter trying to live in it. Businesses pay for highly specialized skills in specific areas. As for me, I just can't wrap my identity in being a specialist in any one thing in exclusion of the many passions I have - I can't even begin to think this way.

With this in mind, I am sharing a few Facebook posts that speak to this:

Is the work of artists being commoditized? Frankly, I'm seeing too many of those Fiverr-produced ads, where all the animations, voiceovers, copywriting styles and background music (especially the music, ugh) have this _similarness_ that is making my insides feel just downight ... bland. Could we as a human species find a way back to having a soul? 

Don't get me wrong - I am amazed by the work of these artists. Their voiceover work, knowing the level of my voiceover work, is quite impressive. In the same vein, I am impressed by the designers at Banana Republic and the GAP, as I, too, am a designer of clothes and bags.  But everyone is wearing BR and GAP - it is everywhere. Everyone looks the same and thinks that dressing the same as the next office worker is a good thing. Bleh. This is the result of a productivity-focused world. We are losing something here - we truly are.

And today, this notion of our world being disconnected and segmented because of productivity and linear learning made me think of another related topic:

I am becoming more and more fascinated by "intelligences" that are sensory. If you can provide any insight, please send me things to watch or read. I recently went to a workshop where the trainer was from Waianae (btw - I am proud to say this is my hometown) and explained how Hawaiians are naturally aural learners, and he expanded by saying they take in their world by seeing and feeling and hearing. I've always been drawn to this kind of intelligence, and growing up in Waianae, I loved how people just knew how do to things, like throw luau with great efficiency or make friends with complete ease at the beach or get intel from others through rather deft conversation. These days, the closest words I might have for this is being street smart or having situational awareness, but I know it goes deeper than this. I think cultures institutionalize these things, whether the learning is linear or aural, as described by the trainer. I don't want to put one over the other, but I will ask the question - how many of these qualities have I suppressed trying to operate in the dominant culture that prizes specialization and a certain kind of productivity? I am not looking for any hard answers, but just want to open up a discussion. ... And of course, I want that reading material. Hmmmm .... wonder if Dr. Suzuki's Nurtured by Love covers this to an extent ... I just started reading this.

I'll just let that one sit. Needless to say, my Facebook friends came through with flying colors. Perhaps I should return to this post later and provide their links - amazing set of resources.

A Look Back: Handbag Lust

Several years ago, I got obsessed with designing clutches for myself using vintage fabric. I began by making them for events (e.g., opera) then for friends as Christmas presents, and the more these bags went into circulation, the more people told me that I should start selling them. Well …

I'd never seen myself as a business-minded person, but this was such an obsession, I just dove into the process, starting first with sewing up about 100 bags over a six-month period as starting inventory.

I then took all the necessary steps needed to launch a website - did the site concept, asked a friend to model my product line and another to photograph the on-scene shoot,  secured the photoshoot location, photographed all inventory, wrote the website copy, did the website development and did all marketing and PR. I then got my handbags placed in the prestigious local boutique, Muumuu Heaven, which is a fashion favorite for celebrities such as Michelle Obama, Raiatea Helm and Cameron Diaz.

An unfortunate event that was taking place at this time was the bankruptcy of the Honolulu Symphony. I decided to take old Pops symphony aloha shirts given to me by musicians and make handbags out of them then donate the proceeds to help the musicians.

Business Goes Live

When it was time to launch in the summer of 2010, my hard work paid off. I got great press, and the handbags sold well. I was very busy, and weekends were filled with creating new inventory. Lots and lots of sewing and scouting new material.

Here are some articles:

• Hawai'i Blog by Ryan Ozawa - "Handmade Handbags from Hawaii" (6/14/2010)
• Midweek > Entrepreneurs - "Giving New Meaning to 'Bag Lady'" (6/23/2010)
• Honolulu Weekly > CityWise - "Harmonious Handbags" (6/30/2010)
• Art + Flea for All - by Nadine Kam, FashionTribe (7/24/2010) 

Winding Down

After a certain point, I realized I'd been working in my little apartment too much. Did I want to take this business to the next level? I enjoyed the creative process, but after a bit of soul searching, I decided the answer was no.  I remember I had time one evening to attend a jazz concert when a singer friend of mine asked how I was doing. "Doing OK - sewing a lot," to which she replied, "too much sewing a dull girl makes." Things started to wind down.

The Old Home Page

The home page has since been taken offline, but thanks to the Wayback machine, you can experience the homepage as it was, featuring the beautiful music of the Hotclub of Hulaville and my picturesque model and great friend, Marina Li. 

http://web.archive.org/web/20100813215527/http://www.ruthshiromafoster.com/splash-page.html

A Look Back

As I was going through some old photos, I was taken by the little treasures I'd once made. I'm not actively sewing handbags these days, but when I was sewing them, I do remember loving and yearning for every single one as if I'd sewn them for myself.  

Here are photos of bags I made that have since found a happy owner. 

Handbags at Muumuu Heaven

A New Kind of Independence Day

Hawai`i: A New Kind of Independence Day - July 4, 2014 from Ruth Shiroma Foster on Vimeo.

HONOLULU - It's the Fourth of July, and Henk Rogers, founder of Blue Planet Foundation, declares this day Happy Energy Independence Day. With iPad in hand, his granddaughter, Hannie, "flips the switch" and brings the family's new Round Top Drive home "off the grid." Leading the charge at the celebration, he called for Hawaii to be energy-independent by 2030.

Musical artists include:

Kenny Endo (taiko)
Norm Foster (clarinet)
Duane Padilla (violin/guitar)
Alika Lyman (bass)
Gerardo Velez (congas)
Jim Gagliano (guitar)
Jeannette Trevias (piano)
Jeff Mikulina (drums)

Video produced by Ruth Shiroma Foster

Imagination and Civilization

Photo by Ruth Shiroma Foster

Recently on Facebook, a friend in his mid-'20s asked, "Do you feel your generation has any say in making the world a better place? And what does that mean for you? I believe most people my age are resigned to the fact that the world is doomed and choose to live for themselves, in whatever form that takes. We've learned to accept our helplessness." Here's my reply:

Interesting question. Let me ramble, as I don't know exactly how I'll answer your question just yet. At a very core level, all humans want to thrive (survive, grow). Our human nature is to have imagination - imagination being the advanced evolutionary trait that allows us to plan for the future. At the base level, imagination is tied directly to thriving, surviving. It is thus the level of complexity by which humans use imagination that allows them to apply their energy to larger, more conceptual, institutional endeavors that promote human thriving - "making the world a better place," if you will. The simpler use of imagination may be to consider the ramifications if a mother fed her baby potato chips only - imagining how doing so would destroy her child and imagining feeding the child fruits and vegetables will promote a healthy body in the future. Both desires and applications of imagination, it can be argued, are inherently selfish because they harken to that core desire for human thriving, survival. It's just that in the case of "making the world a better place," you are applying your desire to thrive several concentric circles outside yourself. I think the drive for why we do things needs to be examined.

I don't know if I can speak for my generation per se, but among my peers, it's clear that many are applying themselves in a way that they know they are "giving to the community" to make the world a better place. This trait is seen in ministers, park soccer league coaches, songwriters, bloggers. I don't know how self-aware they are as they do it, but at the very least, their contributions often serve large groups of people - the community. The inventors of Google are 40 (I'm 41), and I don't know their story enough to know whether they planned to make the world a better place. But the result of their complex imaginations made it so anyway - sort of like positive collateral damage. 

Your observation about people your age living for themselves - perhaps their imagination goes only to the bounds it's ready to go - so to family and friends, but nowhere outside of that. I think that quality is mutable as people's perspectives change with life experience. I have a friend who is putting his money, leadership, talent and design skills toward having humans populate Mars one day - with the idea that Earth will one day be unable to sustain human life. Now that's applying his imagination many, many, many concentric circles outside himself. One of the reasons homo sapiens were able to survive while other species died out was its ability to create community and use shared imagination. I think among humans, there are those who can think conceptually and apply themselves in larger ways that affect the population at an institutional level. But, there are those who keep their interests pretty close to themselves, just enough for their own inner circle to support a more predictable path. I've come to the conclusion that both kinds are necessary for the advancement of humanity. You need the thinkers and leaders to create new curves, but you also need the everyday folks with perhaps less imagination to sustain the curve long enough for the next one to come about. 

Not sure how satisfying this response is, but something to chew on.

New Wine

Below are a series of selected journal entries describing what it was like to be confronted by my evangelical Christian family over my loss of faith. 

It has been more than five years, and we have all forgiven each other, and the relationship has been healed. I attribute this to the inherent love that has always existed in my family.

Still, I feel it is important to make public what I went through. It was one of the most dramatic experiences, emotionally, I've ever been through. I believe it can be helpful for people on both sides - whether you're in ministry or whether you've left the faith. 

Despite all the hurt, no matter how large the chasm, there is hope that relationships can heal. Humans and our ability to love are incredible things. 

Photo by Ruth Shiroma Foster

New Wine

August. 27, 2008

I just want to scream. I just want to be anonymous so I can scream as loudly as I can.

Today, I saw a "shrink" for the first time in my life. I'm 35.

My dad is a Southern Baptist minister and so is my brother. For the past eight years, I have questioned my faith in a very methodical way. And the things I now hold in my mind, the orthodoxy I no longer embrace, have made my mom cry, my dad not eat and drink and my brother cry and pray. I didn't want this to happen, but it did. And I'm so glad it did, because these days, I feel more capable of love, of reaching my potential, of thinking grand things. I am born again. And this makes my family sad. My mom says she has gotten high blood pressure and told my sister to never do what I'm doing. She says dad's quality of life will go down and that "this will affect us for the rest of our lives."

Dr. T heard 90 minutes worth of my life. He said many things, but the one thing that resonated most clearly was the idea that I need to pursue "personal power." The power my family has had over my life is a force I'm left to deal with.

I just want to fly away, as far away from here as I can. I just want to be in a place where I can truly discover who I am. I am new wine, and I can no longer be held in old wine skins.


No Longer Feels Like Home

August 31, 2008

When Norm and I visited Mom and Dad last week, Mom spoke in two-word sentences to me. I called her several times this past week and invited them to come to the Okinawan Festival. I'm getting the cold shoulder. Last week when I visited them, I felt completely uncomfortable, not welcomed at all. Mom didn't say "hi" to Norm until later and barely could stand to talk with me, despite my overtures at small talk and helping in the kitchen. With that feeling just under my skin, I am expected to "power through" like a robot and go to their house and "take" another one of these uncomfortable interactions? 

If you think that this is normal and how Christian family members should treat their own family members, then I am truly at a loss for words. I simply don't agree. I would like to have a normal relationship with my parents, and because this is not possible on their end, I do think they need a third-party person to help them (1) accept me as a person even though they are disappointed with my decisions and (2) help work through some of their feelings of loss.

I know Mom and Dad are hurt over me not wanting to go to church. I have to say that I feel so heavy-laden with feelings of rejection that every time I look at the "Who We Are" or "Mission Statement" or "What We Believe" statement on the websites of other churches I've thought about visiting, I feel completely alienated. Emotionally, the recommendation from James to "take a break" from the Praise Team has taken a huge toll on me. This, in addition to the way the rest of my family has reacted caused a hole in my heart.

No one in my family, except Naomi, seems to have a shred of appreciation for what I'm going through.

Please don't call me. I really don't want to talk to anyone or email anyone. I just truly need a break.

The Inquisition

September 1, 2008

So now my Dad and Mom want me to drive over to their place and lay out in front of them the points of my theological beliefs. On the phone, Dad sounded exasperated and upset. I already articulated it before and got beaten down so hard by my brother and Mom. To experience the downpour of their disappointment and anger, the constant accusations that something is wrong with me, that I need to see a counselor because of my 180-degree turn, that I need to return to where I used to be eight years ago has affected my ability to focus on work. I took a sick day, but really I should have taken more. I told my Dad that I need a few days to gather my thoughts.

This meeting with my parents is going to be like the freaking Spanish Inquisition. I hate my family. Sometimes I just wish I could have kids so I do NOT raise them Christian. 

Terms of Enlightenment

September 17, 2008

Today, my brother told me that he gets "frustrated" talking to me. He says he doesn't know who he's talking to. He thinks I that I think other people are not as informed as I am and that I give off this air that I'm more "enlightened" than others. "You're the hardest person in the world to talk to," he told me. He then went on to tell me he thinks that I don't know who I am and that I only believe what others around me believe and hold no beliefs of my own. It's as ifI 'm just adopting other people's ideas to "fit in." 

"That is just so insulting," I told him. I turned told him that likewise, he was the same as I was. People do things to reinforce who they are and the things they believe. "You've been in a Christian bubble your whole life," I told him, then I said that I don't seek out Christian friends necessarily because that's not where I am. He, on the other hand, has pursued a Christian career (pastor), seeks Christian friends and married a Christian. It's really the same thing just with different content. People do things as a reflection of where they are - that's human nature. 

I know he accuses me of looking down on him, but he looks down on me, too. Really. I think we're both even. Frankly, these days, it's hard for me to not look down on someone who sees the world in such simple terms and looks down on people who don't see things his way. This whole thing - this circular thing that has no clear resolve - is so tiring. It just wears on my soul.

Tainted 

September 18, 2008

God, this is crazy. My family thinks I'm tainted.

March 1, 2014: It was my experience dealing with my family that caused me to pen the song, "Fingerprints." This song won the Oahu Kaua`i Music Festival Song Search competition in 2009 and can be found here. 

I stopped journaling after the above post, most likely because the extreme emotional storms began to subside, and I no longer felt the need to let it out. Since our big rift, everyone in my family had grown more capable of seeing and accepting the other person. As I continue to build my journal entries, you'll see that my beliefs continue to evolve, with new insights every day. Today, my beliefs most closely resemble that of an atheist, but I consider this a mutable thing. This is a separate topic altogether, but it's important to note how far this is from the evangelical faith given to me by my family.

My relationship with my parents have mended. In fact, last summer, Norm and I went with my parents to Alaska and Seattle, and we had an incredible time. I was even able to enjoy a glass of wine with my salmon dinner! 

My relationship with James has historically been pretty emotional. Growing up, we would really slug it out, and this always upset my mom. When we were both in ministry together, James and I supported each other with prayer and with very intense, deep conversation. Naturally, when our deepest-held beliefs collided, we collided as well. Since the explosion, though, we learned what has worked best to show love to each other, despite our differences. We have stopped talking too much politics and too much religion, but when we do and things get a little heated, we've found ways to to turn it into comedy or patch things with follow-up phone calls. 

It was important for me to share this because I thought I'd pass along hope. When the rift happened, I couldn't see the end; I had absorbed so much hurt, and I thought my relationship with my family would never be restored. We are stronger and better than we think - we just need to give it time and apply love to places where there is common ground.  

Shirley Horn

When I watch videos of Shirley Horn, I see power. A very quiet, strong power.

Lately, I've been watching people I admire - I mean, really watching them, so I don't just listen to them, and I don't just look at them, but I try to feel what it might be like to be them.

And as much as I respect them for their technique and skill - their intonation, perfect pacing, the grace in their movement - that is not what inspires me, and I've known this for a long time. But only through this exercise have I been able to finally grasp why some people move me: It's their power of being. It's a live energy, a strong will, a current inside their body that is so deep and so real. They are strong from their heart, their gut, or, as they say in Hawaiian, their na`au. It's a kernel of power that over time they have managed to grow into something that, when you encounter it, takes your breath away. It's not what they do - it's who they are. You are simply experiencing who they are through what they are doing.

I'm certain this intensity of being, this live energy, is what makes a woman become amazing at anything she chooses. It is this strong being that propels her to hone her skills, so when in life she is called upon to express herself, she can honor that expression with the refinement necessary to make that expression true. Becoming skillful is not the end, but simply a means. Indeed, many go through a lifetime pursuing refinement in their chosen craft and never move those who hear and see them. With this in mind, I'm certain if Shirley Horn decided at a young age that fixing cars was her thing, she'd be a beautiful auto mechanic. I've come to understand that even though the world may venerate you for the contribution you've made to a specific field, for the role you've played, you should not allow your identity to be wrapped up in what you do; the real imprint lies in the power of your being, in who you are.

I have yet to unlock the mystery of what makes this live energy grow strong inside of you. Perhaps if I am able to see this power, the next step for me is to be this power, to give in when emotions well up inside of me - perhaps emotions are the center from which this begins? This is what I want to be mindful of as I become the Ruth I was meant to become.

This is just the beginning ...