What kinds of words do you use when you're frustrated by the rope someone puts around you? This relates the frustrations recorded in "Adult Screams."
"Ruth," she calls on the phone. "I heard you're going to Makapuu late at night. I'm very worried."
Tonight's a full moon, so I was going to gather a bunch for a moonwalk.
Mom and I go through this exchange.
"Don't worry, Mom, it's a full moon. There will be others out there" (though I am not certain).
"Well, you know what happened in Makaha years ago. These Samoan guys killed the guy and six guys raped the girl. It's dangerous. You better be safe."
I've been on this moonwalk many times. I understand that anywhere you go, there is inherent danger, and at an isolated place like that, there is a greater risk of being "trapped" if someone wanted to hurt you. But to never see what Makapuu offers because of this fear is no way to live.
If I died trying to experience something beautiful, then so be it. I would rather live that way than stay at home and never be able to testify that "I saw that" or "I felt that."
Mom hears the frustation I thought I so cleverly hid. "Let me be Mom," she says.
We say our polite goodbyes. I hang up the phone.
"Let me be Ruth!"
I need to take a walk.
********
I know she loves me. If I could ask her one thing, it would be that we treat each other as adult equals, that she throw down her Mom role for something that I think is better for where we're at - equal friendship, mutual respect.
Is this too much to ask? Am I being naive?
Posted by ruth at May 16, 2003 05:10 PM
Comments
Jen, my wife, always said, "It's different for girls," and I, idealistic, would just shake my head. Now that I have a daughter, though...
Besides, I think your mom isn't just worried about you, she's just worried. That is, she personally wouldn't feel safe out there, and unfounded or not, that's why she has to warn you. I don't think she specifically thinks you're less capable, or undeserving of respect.
Katie might grow up to be a black-belt kickboxer who can bench press 200 pounds. But I'll still nag, and sit up nights when she strikes out on her own... at fifteen, or twenty five.
I hope the moonwalk was as gorgeous as I imagine! It's been a good week in general for moonwatching. (Even if we were denied the eclipse.)
Posted by: Ryan on May 18, 2003 12:01 AM
Besides, I think your mom isn't just worried about you, she's just worried. That is, she personally wouldn't feel safe out there, and unfounded or not, that's why she has to warn you. I don't think she specifically thinks you're less capable, or undeserving of respect.
Katie might grow up to be a black-belt kickboxer who can bench press 200 pounds. But I'll still nag, and sit up nights when she strikes out on her own... at fifteen, or twenty five.
I hope the moonwalk was as gorgeous as I imagine! It's been a good week in general for moonwatching. (Even if we were denied the eclipse.)
Posted by: Ryan on May 18, 2003 12:01 AM
Hey Ryan,
Well, the hike turned out to be absolutely lovely.
There were other groups of walkers there on our way up, though our group was the only one left on the hill by the time we were going back.
During the first part of the hike, I had all these nervous and unsafe feelings, with my mom's voice hanging over me like an ominous curse.
But the adrenaline starting pumping, and I suddenly felt safe. It was a most gorgeous hike, and I'm glad I experienced it.
Ruth
Posted by: ruth on May 19, 2003 10:35 AM
Well, the hike turned out to be absolutely lovely.
There were other groups of walkers there on our way up, though our group was the only one left on the hill by the time we were going back.
During the first part of the hike, I had all these nervous and unsafe feelings, with my mom's voice hanging over me like an ominous curse.
But the adrenaline starting pumping, and I suddenly felt safe. It was a most gorgeous hike, and I'm glad I experienced it.
Ruth
Posted by: ruth on May 19, 2003 10:35 AM
Distance helps. Even now when I stay at my parents', I have a curfew (!!) and my mom is either calling me or wanting me to call her constantly if I'm out.
2500 miles away, she worries if I don't call for a day or two; I only tell her afterwards what I did. I merely climbed- not jumped, mind you, just climbed- the rock in Waimea and told her about it, and she started to freak out.
I don't worry too much about going places in a group, though being alone just about anywhere makes me nervous. I think that's my mom's constant warnings from when I was young- I still have recurring dreams about being kidnapped and/or attacked by strange scary men.
Ultimately, though, I think a bit of common sense and belief in fate (if it's your time to go, nothing you can do about it) guide me. If I have a bad feeling about it, I won't go; otherwise I trust I'll be fine.
Posted by: lisa on May 19, 2003 06:55 PM
2500 miles away, she worries if I don't call for a day or two; I only tell her afterwards what I did. I merely climbed- not jumped, mind you, just climbed- the rock in Waimea and told her about it, and she started to freak out.
I don't worry too much about going places in a group, though being alone just about anywhere makes me nervous. I think that's my mom's constant warnings from when I was young- I still have recurring dreams about being kidnapped and/or attacked by strange scary men.
Ultimately, though, I think a bit of common sense and belief in fate (if it's your time to go, nothing you can do about it) guide me. If I have a bad feeling about it, I won't go; otherwise I trust I'll be fine.
Posted by: lisa on May 19, 2003 06:55 PM
Hi Lisa,
Yeah - distance does help. I have a friend who moved thousands of miles away from her parents, and she can be much more selective about the image her parents receive of the life she lives here.
And I experienced something similar when I stayed in Boston for two months. I did all kinds of things but told my parents the waterered-down version.
I can relate to you in that my parents do want to keep in touch - constantly. While that can be a source of struggle, I at least understand the core, which is their desire to be connected. I don't want to throw away all connections because of certain frustrations. Life is too short to disregard your parents over irritations.
I'm sort of trying to strike a balance, wanting to be an adult yet wanting still to honor my parents' love for me. It's not always easy.
Thanks for your insight, Lisa.
Ruth
Posted by: ruth on May 20, 2003 01:15 PM
Yeah - distance does help. I have a friend who moved thousands of miles away from her parents, and she can be much more selective about the image her parents receive of the life she lives here.
And I experienced something similar when I stayed in Boston for two months. I did all kinds of things but told my parents the waterered-down version.
I can relate to you in that my parents do want to keep in touch - constantly. While that can be a source of struggle, I at least understand the core, which is their desire to be connected. I don't want to throw away all connections because of certain frustrations. Life is too short to disregard your parents over irritations.
I'm sort of trying to strike a balance, wanting to be an adult yet wanting still to honor my parents' love for me. It's not always easy.
Thanks for your insight, Lisa.
Ruth
Posted by: ruth on May 20, 2003 01:15 PM
